Radical Follower

It’s been a while since I’ve been upset like I was this last weekend. Nothing really significant happened, but small things built up in me that I didn’t let go of turning into deep anger and resentment.

Started off a really good week. Finally made some serious progress with my ex towards healing and letting go of that relationship. I know that while dating her, I lost my focus on Him and now being out of it, I have that focus back. But unless I can let go of the relationship and fully trust that at the end of the day, He will still be my priority and focus, I’ll never get over her. Needless to say, it has been by far the most difficult relationship I’ve ever gotten over. So many good things in it but so many fierce negatives as well that tore it apart.

The week went by fairly quickly. I laid out in the sun a lot since the weather was fantastic. I went to a different church and worshipped for the first time in months and heard some really good preaching that was definitely applicable to my life. I saw an apartment for rent that really suited me well. A friend of mine was subletting a room in their house and opened it to me.

The only problem was that it was 30 minutes from work and 2 minutes from UConn and my church, both of which I am not participating in anymore… I odn’t feel called to be at UConn and am miserable there. I also have felt called to step down from the Atmosphere team at St. Paul’s. It has become more of a chore to me and in discerning that feeling, I feel more destructive than productive on the team. So living in this apartment didn’t make sense anymore.

But I had nowhere else to go. It was $690, a little steep but whatever. Through a series of emails with the owners concerning whether rent was negotiable or not, I was denied the apartment in fear that it would bankrupt me. Who knows… Maybe it would. But I was crushed after reading that email. Things began to manifest in me…

Work over the next couple days were rough. I was tired. I was irritable. I planted myself on bar so that all I’d have to do was make drinks. It worked for awhile then I snapped. I began picking apart people and why they were slacking, not focused on my fierce attitude. I yelled at three people because of stupid things. A co-worker came in back at one point and called me out on it. We are friends outside of work as well so my mental response shocked me when I began cursing her and becoming resentful of this critique of my behavior. That set me off more.

Now when I get angry, it explodes in me and I lose control. I verbally shutdown and physically become stiff and cold. I get jittery and if you can’t tell I’m angry, you aren’t paying attention. Then everything releases in bursts and I feed off of that. This has been the most angry I’ve been in a while. And over nothing! Yeah I lost the apartment but clearly it makes no sense for me to live out there if I won’t be participating in UConn/church for a while. Live around work and that makes sense! 

What was different that has been changing in me over the last couple months is the mental response I have to this. Yes I still feed off the anger and build it. But at the same time, I desperately turn and try to call out to God for help. This weekend was one of these times. I continued to hum worship songs and try and turn off what had already been turned on. I have no doubt God heard me but I think He was trying to teach me to turn it off myself and learn from this.

Anger gets me no where in these scenarios and only adds stress to my life. It’s in these moments that I learn to prepare myself more for these times by staying in scripture, worshipping Him, praying with Him. Keeping vigilant and aware of the spiritual battleground around me, pulling me back to anger and rage.

It’s been a while since I’ve had one of these weekends and I plan on and hope to make them fewer and farther between as time goes on.